Teen Stress: Learning anger and stress management

Holidays: Merry & Bright
by Lori Lite, Founder of Stress Free Kids

Holidays were originally designed to be relaxing, merry and bright, but the reality is that most of us associate holidays with stress. The economy is adding extra restrictions on gift giving and children still have high magical expectations. With a little bit of effort we can turn stress off and turn on deeper connections with our children and teens, good health, and relaxation. We can use this holiday season to shift our focus and bring the merry and bright back into the holidays.

Tips:

• Slow down. I don’t know anyone that can rush and feel stress free at the same time. Children are especially prone to meltdowns when asked to rush. Leave extra time for the purpose of moving slowly and focusing on your breathing. Enjoy the moment.
• Give your family a better understanding of the economic climate and why their holiday gifting expectations may need to be adjusted. Rent Kit Kittredge: An American Girl for a family movie night. Everyone will be reminded to appreciate family.
• Bring creativity and music into your home. Place musical instruments like jingle bells, maracas, and tambourines on the coffee table. A box of fun hats and reindeer antlers in the living room and let the creativity and stress management begin. Join in the fun and lead a parade around your apartment or house. Laugh and you will enjoy less stress and more joy. Children want your time more than presents. (I have had teens enjoy both hats and instruments and they always film it. Just pretend you are not watching and their imaginations take flight.)
• Be aware of your language. It is easy to become negative during the holidays. Use positive statements and affirmations like, “I am happy, I am calm, I am thankful, I am healthy.” Encourage children and teens to write their own affirmation and stick it on their pillow or mirror.
• Cold weather brings lots of opportunities to get outside. Take the kids on a walk to look for elf tracks in the snow. Leave a container of water outside to invite Jack Frost to visit. Use the cold air as an aid to teach children how to use relaxation or diaphragmatic breathing. (Foster sibling bonds by letting your teen take the lead looking for elf tracks. You will be surprised at how much fun they will have when mom is not around.)

Breathing is one of the most effective stress management available to all ages. The following excerpt from my story Sea Otter Cove can be used with your family. Sit outside and pretend you are sea otters…watch your breath hit the cold air and get ready to feel good!

The following excerpt is from Sea Otter Cove: A Relaxation Story. This story is also available on the Indigo Ocean Dreams CD and in Spanish. To see your breath hit the cold air, breathe out through your mouth and say ahhhh….

The sea child told the sea otter to breathe in through his nose and out through his nose.  He focused all of his attention on the tip of his nose.

They both did this breathing together.
Breathe in through your nose and out through your nose.
In 2, 3, 4… out 2, 3, 4. In 2, 3, 4… out 2, 3, 4.

The sea child told the sea otter that he could breathe this way whenever he felt angry or scared or nervous. He could focus on the air moving in and out of the tip of his nose, and he could feel calm. The sea otter placed his hands on his belly, and felt it lift up and down as the air moved in and out. For a few moments they both did this breathing together.

Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.
In 2, 3, 4… ahhhh 2, 3, 4. In 2, 3, 4… ahhh 2, 3, 4.
The sea child’s mind began to wander. She imagined that her thoughts were a feather as she blew them away with her next breath out.  She focused her attention on her breath again as she drew in a breath of warm fragrant sea air.
She liked the way it felt to quiet her mind.
She focused on the way the air felt moving in and out of her nose. She felt her belly lift up and down as the sea child and the sea otter continued to breathe together.

Order today!

Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.

In 2, 3, 4…ahhh  2, 3, 4. In 2, 3, 4… ahhh 2, 3, 4.
In 2,3, 4…out 2,3,4.


Teens can learn deep breathing with Indigo Teen Dreams CD.

Stress Free Kids founder Lori Lite has created a line of books and CDs designed to help children, teens, and adults decrease stress, anxiety, and anger. Ms. Lite’s books, CDs, and lesson plans are considered a resource for parents, psychologists, therapists, child life specialists, teachers, and yoga instructors. Lori is a certified children’s meditation facilitator and Sears’ Manage My Life parenting expert. For more information visit  Stress Free Kids and for daily advice follow Lori on Twitter and Facebook.

Sue Scheff: Anger Management Tips for Kids and Teens

More great information from Parenting Expert, Dr. Michele Borba! Be sure to order her BIG BOOK of Parenting Solutions in September!

By Michele Borba

REALITY CHECK: Does your child have difficulty controlling his anger? Does he resort to using aggressive behaviors such as biting, hitting, spitting or fighting? Does he yell or quickly lose control? If so, you’re not alone. Over the years I’ve received hundreds questions from parents, and by far the largest number deal with how to help kids handle anger.
Yelling. Fighting. Hitting. Tantrums. Biting. Sound familiar? They are typical behaviors of quick-to-anger children. But don’t forget that anger isn’t always displayed as an outburst—some kids hold their intense feelings inside. Unreleased anger and pent-up frustrations can lead to anxiety and even depression.

Here are a few signs that your child may have an “anger issue”:

•Frequent angry outbursts, even over minor issues
•Unable to explain feelings when upset
•Trouble calming down when frustrated or upset even to the point of hyperventilating
•Resorts to using physical aggression such as hitting, fighting, kicking, shouting, spitting, swearing, tantrum
•Doesn’t seem to care about animals’ or people’s feelings
•Doesn’t accept responsibility for his aggression; blames others
•Needs reminders, coaxing or reprimands to control temper
•Trouble bouncing back from frustrations
•Acts without thinking
•Behaves recklessly
•Super sullen, silent and holds in feelings
•Talks, writes or draws pictures about violence
If you want your kid to handle anger more appropriately then he must learn substitute behaviors to relieve that pent-up energy. Some parents swear that learning the deep breathing yoga techniques helped their kids manage their anger. The trick is to find what works for your child so he can learn how to take control of his temper and use the same tip each and every time. Each child is different so it’s best to use the trial and error approach: teach a strategy and then watch to see how your child responds. If the strategy and your child seem to “click” then focus on that one technique by practicing it again and again until your child can use it alone. That may take time, so hang in there. You should see a gradual diminishment of the anger as your child gains self-control and applies the “anger replacer” skill.
Here are a few solutions that help kids handle their hot feelings in healthier ways:

1. Develop a feeling vocabulary. Many kids display aggression such as kicking, screaming, hitting, biting because they simply don’t know how to express their frustrations any other way. They need an emotional vocabulary to express how they feel, and you can help your kid develop one. Here are a few words to start with: angry, upset, mad, frustrated, agitated, furious, apprehensive, tense, nervous, anxious, irritated, furious, ticked off, irate. Once your child learns emotion words, encourage him to “talk out his anger.” Beware: Your child might yell, “I’m really angry!” Or blurt out: “You make me so mad.” Do not discipline him. It’s exactly what you want him to do so he learns to express his anger instead of lashing out or holding the anger in.

2. Use self-talk. Teach a simple, positive message your child can say to himself in stressful situations. For example: “Stop and calm down,” “Stay in control,” “I can handle this.”

3. Pound it out. Pound clay, hit a pillow, shoot baskets, punch a punching bag, throw rocks at a wall (away from people), hit a wall with a foam bat. Help your child find the most effective way to calm his temper, and then encourage him to use the technique.

4. Go to a calm spot. Ask your child to help you set up a place where he can go to gain control. Put a few soothing things such as books, music, pens, and paper, and then encourage him to use the spot to cool down.

5. Tear your anger into little pieces. Tell your child to draw or write what is upsetting him on a piece of paper. Then tear it into little pieces and “throw the anger away.” He can also use the concept by imaging that his anger is slowly leaving him in little pieces.

6. Teach: “Stop and breathe.” Show your child how to inhale slowly to a count of five, pause for two counts, and then slowly breathe out the same way, again counting to five. Repeating the sequence creates maximum relaxation and reduces stress that can turn into anger.

7. Teach “1 + 3 + 10”. Explain the formula: “As soon as you feel your body sending you a warning sign that says you’re losing control, do three things. First, stop and say: ‘Be calm.’ That’s 1. Now take three deep, slow breaths from your tummy. That’s 3. Finally, count slowly to ten inside your head. That’s 10. Put them all together and you have 1 + 3 + 10, and doing it helps you calm down and get back in control.” (Teach a younger child use DRAGON BREATHS. Blow your anger out just like a dragon!)

8. Imagine a calm place. For instance: the beach, his bed, grandpa’s backyard, a tree house. The second your child feels his body warning signs kick in, tell him to close his eyes and imagine the spot, while breathing slowly.

Calming a hot-temper is not only teachable, but also essential for growing up in a sometimes violent, unpredictable world. Besides, eliminating this behavior will do absolute wonders in creating not only a child who is far more enjoyable to be with, but also a more peaceful family. If you’re consistent you’ll be able to help your kid learn a healthier way to handle his anger. So don’t wait and don’t give up! (And one more thing…make sure you are calm when you teach your child the tip!)

Follow Michele Borba on Twitter at @MicheleBorba

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