Sue Scheff: Teaching your Kids Gratitude

Parenting expert, Dr. Michele Borba, recently released her BIG BOOK of Parenting Solutions, 101 Answers to your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries. Part 3 in this huge book, which is formatted like a cookbook, she writes about "character."

The parenting recipes in this book are priceless! As the holidays approach, it is time to share some of these family recipes - all thoroughly researched and proven delicious for today's parenting. This book makes an excellent holiday gift for any parent raising kids today. There isn't a parenting topic that is missed.

This is not only a HUGE book, it is the manual the hospital should have handed out when your children were born.Part of your child's character should be gratitude. As Thanksgiving is fast approaching, let's review some of Dr. Borba's proven advice on character building with gratitude.

This is a sneak peek of inside the Big Book of Parenting Solutions:

Thank you ABCs. This one is great for younger kids to do at the dinner table. You and your kids say the alphabet together, but for each letter include something you are grateful for: A, Aunt Helen; B, my brother; C, my cat and so on. Take it up one notch by having the person explain why he is grateful. Families with small kids rarely get beyond H, but the point is that you're having fun together, and your kids are also learning to be appreciative. Older kids can reveal one thing they are grateful for that happened to them during the day and why.

Prayers of thanksgiving. Say a prayer of thanks together before meals. Some families take turns so that each night a different member leads the prayer.

Bedtime family blessings. Each child exchanges messages of appreciation for one another, followed by a goodnight hug and kiss.

Gratitude letters. Your child writes a letter to someone who has made a positive difference in his life but whom he has probably not thanked properly in the past (such as his teacher, coach, scoutmaster, or grandparent). Research shows that to maximize the impact, your child should read the letter to the person face to face. If the person lives far away, videotape your child reading the note and send it to the recipient, or have the child read his not over the phone.

Gratitude journals. Younger kids can draw or dictate things they are most grateful for; older kids can write in a diary or in a computer. Just remember to start one for yourself or for your family. Research show that your kids should write something they feel grateful for four times a week and continue for at least three weeks.

Focus on giving, not getting. Involve your child in the process of choosing, making and wrapping gifts. Give your kid the honor of handing out the presents to relatives during the holidays and giving a thank-you gift to the hostess, teacher, or coach. Switching the emphasis from the role of the getter to that of the giver may help your child recognize the effort and thoughtfulness that goes into selecting those gifts.


This is only a fraction of Michele Borba's BIG BOOK of Parenting Solutions, she also states that practicing gratitude 365 days a year is what is important, not just at the holidays. Order this book today, whether for yourself or as a holiday gift and get ready to be blown away at all the valuable information you will read.

For those busy parents that don't have time to read, this is the perfect book for you since it is not the type of book you sit down to read. As parenting questions come up, you can go straight to the index and find the page number. Immediately you will see the pages divided by boxes, quick tips and advice and easy to read and understand resources. Did I mention she also lists proven statistics?

Coming soon, more sneak peeks inside this Big Book of Parenting Solutions. You will soon see you need this book in your kitchen, I mean library!

Part 2 - How do you handle "ungrateful" children? Click here.
Part 3 - Seven Deadly Parenting Styles
Part 4 - Sex Talk with your Children

Click here for more articles on parenting. Don't forget to subscribe to my latest articles, and you won't miss the sneak peeks inside this valuable book as well as other great tips, resources and stories.

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Sue Scheff: Parenting Alert-Fashion Magazines Affect Our Daughters’ Physical & Emotional Health

Michele Borba, Parenting Guru and author of over 23 books, is voicing her opinion over the recent news in the fashion world. Our daughters' have enough to worry about with today's peer pressure and society always in their face with how they are supposed to look, act and more. Read Dr. Borba's excellent commentary and don't forget to pick up her recent book, Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Parenting Alert-Fashion Magazines Affect Our Daughters’ Physical & Emotional Health

By Dr. Michele Borba

Warning: I’m ticked–or just darn-right over-the-top disgusted–about two recent events in the fashion world.

First up there was top fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld’s attack on the women’s magazine, Brigitte decision to start using “normal-size women” for models instead of the pencil-thin variety. Such a concept, eh? Well, here was Lagerfeld’s comment: “These are fat mummies sitting with their bags of crisps in front of the television. No one wants to see round women.” Starting to get a little riled? Keep reading….

Then there was last week’s equally disturbing incident involving Ralph Lauren’s fashion house. RL and company finally apologized for doctoring one of their advertisements, which had an already stick-thin model look even—if this is even possible–thinner. Did you see that picture???? AHHH!

For some reason our culture just loves the pencil-thin look—and it’s everywhere. When’s the last time you flipped through a fashion or celebrity magazine? Only one body type is flaunted: thin, thinner, or thinnest. Make no mistake those images do influence our daughters’ eating habits.

REALITY CHECK: A five-year study of 2516 teens by the American Psychological Association found that girls who frequently read those dieting and weight loss articles are far more likely to fast, vomit, or use laxatives to lose weight. In fact, the data proved that the more frequently a girl reads those fashion magazines, the more likely she is to resort to extreme weight control behaviors.

And it appears far too many girls are partaking in extreme measures to achieve this absurd unhealthy, “unnormal” appearance to achieve “the thinner the better” look.

While researching eating disorders for my book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions I discovered scathing statistics. Here are just a few of those troubling trends about American children and their attitudes about their body image that should sound an alarm:

At least ten percent of all adolescent girls now suffer from eating disorders. The disease has no boundaries: male or female, young or old, urban or rural, Catholic or Jewish, black or white. Boys now make up about 30 percent of younger children with eating disorders. And the rates are only increasing. Children as young as six these days are diagnosed with eating disorders. Over ten years ago 34 percent of high school girls thought they were overweight; 90 percent believe they are today.

Here’s more troubling news:

•Half of girls eight to ten years old and one-third of boys are unhappy with their size
•42 percent of six through eight-year old girls want to be thinner
•40 percent nine year olds have been on a “diet” and nine percent have vomited to lose weight
•51 percent of nine-ten year old girls feel better about themselves when dieting.
•Eighty-one percent of ten year olds fear being too fat
•30 to 55 percent of girls start dieting in middle school. Preteen girls struggling with low self-esteem are particularly vulnerable to images of thin models and celebrities
Enough!

It’s time to recognize just how destructive this super-thin obsession has on our daughters and how it undermines self-esteem and encourages eating disorders.

And then we must make a concerted, collected pledge to help our girls develop healthier attitudes about their body for their physical as well as emotional health.

Here are a few beginning parenting solutions to help our daughters (and don’t forget our sons):

Monitor the media your child consumes a bit closer (and make sure those bodybuilding magazines do not consume your son as well).

Limit your child’s access to magazines that promote the “thin-is-better” look and get her a subscription to healthier alternatives.

Teach your child to be media literate and resist the ways television, movies and magazines portray underweight women as “glamorous,” and muscle-bound men as “all-powerful.”

Talk frankly about the unglamorous reality of eating disorders (damaged teeth; hair loss; osteoporosis, brittle fingernails, as well as even possible death).

And while you’re at it, put down those celerity and fashion magazines with those covers are plastered with skinny pop stars and model. Your child is taking notes.

But most important: please help your child find healthier alternatives and help her learn to love herself from the inside-out.

For more research-based tips to turn around this troubling trend, healthier new habits to teach our kids, how to recognize the signs of eating disorders, and the latest scientific findings refer to The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries in the chapters on Eating Disorders, Perfectionism, Role Models, and Dress and Appearance.

Sue Scheff: Parenting Book with Recipes for Better Parenting

The BIG Book of Parenting Solutions is your recipe to parenting kids today. This tremendous book is similar to a cookbook of extra special, proven results for parenting! This book is not only for today's parent, it is a perfect baby shower gift, holiday gift, or simply to give to a parent today raising kids. They will be forever grateful.

Here is just a sample of the hundreds of proven and simple tips from Dr. Borba’s latest book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. The best news is that these solutions work for all ages, take less than a minute to do, are based on proven research and when consistently used will reap lasting change.

1. Get attention: Lower your voice almost to a whisper and then say your request. Kids aren’t used to a quiet request.

2. Increase positive behavior: Research shows that giving kids the right kind of praise (called “positive reinforcement”) is one of the best ways to shape new behavior. So, catch your kid doing the action you want. Just make sure your praise is specific and tells your child exactly what he did right. (Adding “because” or “that” takes your praise up a notch. “I’m so impressed that you started your homework all by yourself this time.”)

3. Stretch persistence: Praising the child’s effort (“You’re working so hard”) and not inherent intelligence (”You’re so smart”) is proven to enhance perseverance and performance, but the child is also more likely to bounce back from a mistake—all because he feels success is not mixed.
4. Reduce fear: Expose your child to a fear in small manageable doses and help them develop a statement to speak back to the worry (“Go away worry!” or “I can do this!”)

5. Curb a tantrum: The longer you give attention to a tantrum the longer it lasts. Ignore, ignore, ignore!

6. Nurture kindness: Encourage your child to use the Two Praise Rule everyday. “Say or do at least two kind things to someone.” Random acts of kindness really are catchy!

7. Increase assertiveness: Stress: “Look at the color of the talker’s eyes.” Using eye contact helps kids appear confident. Strong body posture also helps a child be less likely to be bullied.

8. Friendship builder: The two most commonly used traits of well-liked kids are “smiling” and “encouraging.” Reinforce those traits in your child to boost his friendship quotient.

9. Develop healthy eating habits. Eating relaxed family meals regularly enhances kids’ psychosocial well- being, boosts grades and deters behaviors like smoking and drinking and eating disorders as well as teaches the child healthy eating habits.

10. Curb nagging. Say "no" the first time and don’t back down. The average kid nags nine times knowing the parent will give in.

Read more about Dr. Michele Borba in our one on one interview earlier this month. Big Book of Parenting Solutions belongs in your kitchen today! Whether you are a parent, grandparent, teacher, daycare provider, coach, therapist or anyone working with today's kids, this is a must have book.

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Sue Scheff: Curbing the Youth Entitlement Epidemic

Another sneak peak into The BIG Book of Parenting Solutions! Don't forget to order your copy!

By: Michele Borba

Curbing the Youth Entitlement Epidemic

REALITY CHECK: Research shows that our children are born with the marvelous gift to care and be concerned about others. But unless we nurture those glorious virtues they will lie dormant. A new study shows we may not be doing such a great job. San Diego State professor Jean Twenge (author of a must-parent read: The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement) has conducted a longitudinal study on college students for narcissistic patterns and finds a troubling trend. Narcissism has steadily has steadily increased in our youth per decade. Another must read by Twenge: Generation Me: Why Today’s Youth are More Confident and More Miserable Than Ever.

http://www.amazon.com/Generation-Americans-Confident-Assertive-Entitled/dp/0743276981/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1249749611&sr=8-2

Do you have a Little Princess or Prince in your house who feels entitled to luxury and privilege? If so, you’re not alone. In fact, national surveys show most parents feel they’re raising selfish kids. One thing is for sure: selfish kids are no joy to have around. These critters always wants things their way, put their needs and concerns ahead of others, and rarely stops to consider other people’s feelings. And that’s because they want you to believe that their feelings are “more important” than the feelings and needs of others. The truth is kids don’t arrive in this world selfish. And yes, young children are by nature exocentric because they’re trying to figure out the world. But our role is to gradually help our children move from that Me-Me-Me stage, focus more on others and adopt more of a “WE” attitude.

So let’s roll up our sleeves to squelch this obnoxious bad attitude, and make sure our kids have the virtues of selflessness, generosity, and consideration. And here are five essential solutions for a successful makeover that will squelch those selfish attitudes.

Step 1. Censor Selfishness. A major step in squelching kids’ selfish attitudes is simply not tolerating it. You’re right: it won’t be easy. After all, especially if your kid is used to having his every whim catered for a long time, But if you really are serious about changing this attitude, you must stand firm and be consistent. STart by clearly laying down your new attitude expectations: “In this house you are always expected to be considerate of others.” Then loudly state your disapproval each and every time your child acts selfishly.

Step 2. Nurture Empathy. Kids who are empathic can understand where other people are coming from because they can put themselves in their shoes and feel how they feel. And because they can “feel with” someone else, they are more unselfish and caring. So nurture your child’s empathy to help him see beyond himself, and into the views of others. You might help him imagine how the other person feels about a special situation. “Imagine you’re a new student and you’re walking into a brand new school and don’t know anyone. How will you feel?” Asking the question often because it helps kids understand the feelings and needs of other people. Then look for daily opportunities to help your child consider others.

Step 3. Set Limits. One reason kids become selfish is because they are used to getting their way. So don’t. Set clear limits and then stick to them like glue. Don’t give in to whining, pouting, tantrums, and guilt-laced admonishments of “You’re the worst parent in the world!” Hundreds of child development studies conclude that kids whose parents set clear behavior expectations turned out less selfish kids. You may have to have a serious talk with other caregivers in your kids’ life who are guilty of overindulging. Let such individuals know in no uncertain terms you are serious about curbing your kid’s selfish attitude around and must have their cooperation to do so.

Step 4. Halt the Accolades. Parents who raise selfless, caring kids don’t do so by accident. They intentionally make sure that their kids are aware of the rights, feelings and needs of others. This means you need to fight that tendency of trying to make your child feel as though the world revolves around him or her. You’ll be much more pleased with the outcome: a more considerate, caring kid.

Step 5. Reinforce Selfless Acts. Of course, one of the fastest way to increase selflessness is by “catching” your kid doing considerate and unselfish acts. Always remember to describe the deed so she clearly understands the virtue and point out the impact it had on the recipient. Doing so will also help her be more likely to repeat the same generous deed another time. “Did you see Kelly’s smile when you shared your toys? You made her happy.” Or: “Thanks for giving your CDs with your brother. I know you don’t listen to rap anymore but he just loves it.”

Of course, the key to any successful makeover is your consistent commitment to help your child become his or her personal best. So don’t give up until you see the kind of behavior you envision. No, it won’t be easy. Yes, you may want to throw in the towel. But hang in there: this is serious work. This is all about nurturing your child’s character and reputation as a human being, so nothing is more important. All the best!

Just remember: Using simple parenting solutions can make real differences on your children’s lives—especially when you choose ones that matter most in raising good kids then commit to making them become a habit in your daily parenting.

Get more Parenting Solutions by following Michele Borba @MicheleBorba on Twitter or at http://www.micheleborba.com .


Portions of this article are adapted from Michele Borba’s latest book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries (Jossey-Bass) which is available for order now.

Sue Scheff: Anger Management Tips for Kids and Teens

More great information from Parenting Expert, Dr. Michele Borba! Be sure to order her BIG BOOK of Parenting Solutions in September!

By Michele Borba

REALITY CHECK: Does your child have difficulty controlling his anger? Does he resort to using aggressive behaviors such as biting, hitting, spitting or fighting? Does he yell or quickly lose control? If so, you’re not alone. Over the years I’ve received hundreds questions from parents, and by far the largest number deal with how to help kids handle anger.
Yelling. Fighting. Hitting. Tantrums. Biting. Sound familiar? They are typical behaviors of quick-to-anger children. But don’t forget that anger isn’t always displayed as an outburst—some kids hold their intense feelings inside. Unreleased anger and pent-up frustrations can lead to anxiety and even depression.

Here are a few signs that your child may have an “anger issue”:

•Frequent angry outbursts, even over minor issues
•Unable to explain feelings when upset
•Trouble calming down when frustrated or upset even to the point of hyperventilating
•Resorts to using physical aggression such as hitting, fighting, kicking, shouting, spitting, swearing, tantrum
•Doesn’t seem to care about animals’ or people’s feelings
•Doesn’t accept responsibility for his aggression; blames others
•Needs reminders, coaxing or reprimands to control temper
•Trouble bouncing back from frustrations
•Acts without thinking
•Behaves recklessly
•Super sullen, silent and holds in feelings
•Talks, writes or draws pictures about violence
If you want your kid to handle anger more appropriately then he must learn substitute behaviors to relieve that pent-up energy. Some parents swear that learning the deep breathing yoga techniques helped their kids manage their anger. The trick is to find what works for your child so he can learn how to take control of his temper and use the same tip each and every time. Each child is different so it’s best to use the trial and error approach: teach a strategy and then watch to see how your child responds. If the strategy and your child seem to “click” then focus on that one technique by practicing it again and again until your child can use it alone. That may take time, so hang in there. You should see a gradual diminishment of the anger as your child gains self-control and applies the “anger replacer” skill.
Here are a few solutions that help kids handle their hot feelings in healthier ways:

1. Develop a feeling vocabulary. Many kids display aggression such as kicking, screaming, hitting, biting because they simply don’t know how to express their frustrations any other way. They need an emotional vocabulary to express how they feel, and you can help your kid develop one. Here are a few words to start with: angry, upset, mad, frustrated, agitated, furious, apprehensive, tense, nervous, anxious, irritated, furious, ticked off, irate. Once your child learns emotion words, encourage him to “talk out his anger.” Beware: Your child might yell, “I’m really angry!” Or blurt out: “You make me so mad.” Do not discipline him. It’s exactly what you want him to do so he learns to express his anger instead of lashing out or holding the anger in.

2. Use self-talk. Teach a simple, positive message your child can say to himself in stressful situations. For example: “Stop and calm down,” “Stay in control,” “I can handle this.”

3. Pound it out. Pound clay, hit a pillow, shoot baskets, punch a punching bag, throw rocks at a wall (away from people), hit a wall with a foam bat. Help your child find the most effective way to calm his temper, and then encourage him to use the technique.

4. Go to a calm spot. Ask your child to help you set up a place where he can go to gain control. Put a few soothing things such as books, music, pens, and paper, and then encourage him to use the spot to cool down.

5. Tear your anger into little pieces. Tell your child to draw or write what is upsetting him on a piece of paper. Then tear it into little pieces and “throw the anger away.” He can also use the concept by imaging that his anger is slowly leaving him in little pieces.

6. Teach: “Stop and breathe.” Show your child how to inhale slowly to a count of five, pause for two counts, and then slowly breathe out the same way, again counting to five. Repeating the sequence creates maximum relaxation and reduces stress that can turn into anger.

7. Teach “1 + 3 + 10”. Explain the formula: “As soon as you feel your body sending you a warning sign that says you’re losing control, do three things. First, stop and say: ‘Be calm.’ That’s 1. Now take three deep, slow breaths from your tummy. That’s 3. Finally, count slowly to ten inside your head. That’s 10. Put them all together and you have 1 + 3 + 10, and doing it helps you calm down and get back in control.” (Teach a younger child use DRAGON BREATHS. Blow your anger out just like a dragon!)

8. Imagine a calm place. For instance: the beach, his bed, grandpa’s backyard, a tree house. The second your child feels his body warning signs kick in, tell him to close his eyes and imagine the spot, while breathing slowly.

Calming a hot-temper is not only teachable, but also essential for growing up in a sometimes violent, unpredictable world. Besides, eliminating this behavior will do absolute wonders in creating not only a child who is far more enjoyable to be with, but also a more peaceful family. If you’re consistent you’ll be able to help your kid learn a healthier way to handle his anger. So don’t wait and don’t give up! (And one more thing…make sure you are calm when you teach your child the tip!)

Follow Michele Borba on Twitter at @MicheleBorba