Sue Scheff: Learning About Child Abuse and Discusing with your Kids

"I Promise Not To Tell' - A Story of Courage, written by Kara Tamanini, is a children's book that gently approaches a subject that many cringe to even think about.

Kara Tamanini is also a Gainesville Examiner and recently discussed "I Promise Not To Tell" and gave you more information on recognizing and reporting child abuse.

This book is one that should be read with an adult, parent or child provider. The illustrations by Al Margolis, are engaging, colorful and helps the child to relate and understand to Abby's story of reporting her father's inappropriate touching.

I Promise Not To Tell is an excellent and educational tool in helping children learn more about abusive relationships, allowing them to know it is safe to report inappropriate behavior by adult, even if it is a parent. Physical, sexual as well as verbal abuse is not acceptable.

Learn more about Kids Awareness Series and Kara Tamanini visit her website at http://www.kidsawarenessseries.com/  and follow her on Twitter @KidTherapist.

To report child abuse contact your local child protective agency or the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD.

Sue Scheff: How do we recognize a Panic Attack?

Kara Tamanini is an excellent therapist and specialist with adolescents with ADD/ADHD/ODD and many other diagnoses. She has written children's books that are easy to understand and help your child to believe they are special too. Kara recently wrote an article on panic attacks. During these stressful times, whether your family is struggling with finances, job loss or other hurdles life can bring, learn more about recognizing a panic attack.

By Kara Tamanini

How to Recognize a Panic Attack

Anxiety is really on a continuum if you think about. All of us, kids, adolescents and adults have some level of anxiety on any given day. We move from relatively little anxiety to moderate to severe anxiety and we move up and down on this continuum. NOBODY has no anxiety every day, everyone experience some degree of anxiety on any given day. Anxiety is really a good and a bad thing, however high levels of anxiety on a continuing basis interfere with our ability to function in our daily lives. We never are truly able to eliminate anxiety completely, however the goal of psychological treatment is to reduce or manage the anxiety that we have. With that said, how do we know that we are having a panic attack or in other words a sudden and intense fear or anxiety that is absolutely overwhelming to us. Panic attacks happen to children and adults alike and panic attacks do not discriminate based on a person’s age.

In order to recognize whether you are experiencing a panic attack, you must first know the symptoms of a panic attack:

1.) you feel like your heart is racing and you have heart palpitations

2.) sweating

3.) trembling or shaking all over your body

4.) Shortness of breath

5.) fear of dying

6.) fear of losing control

7.) nausea or abdominal pain or distress

8.) chills or hot flushes

9.) chest pain or discomfort

10.) feeling of choking

11.) feeling dizzy, unsteady, faint, or lightheaded

12.) derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached or not part of oneself)

13.) paresthesias (numbness or tingling sensations)

To qualify for a diagnosis of Panic Disorder, at least four of the preceding 13 symptoms are needed. Experiencing these symptoms does not always mean that you are having a panic attack, they may signal a physical problem. Many symptoms of a physical ailment mimic those identified for a panic attack and a physical basis for the symptoms needs to first be ruled out. Individuals should first receive a physical examination to rule out that their is no physical basis for these symptoms. If there is not a physical reason for the preceding symptoms than panic disorder is likely the culprit and psychological intervention is needed. Most individuals that experience panic attacks are treated with Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and psychological intervention is usually needed in order to treat panic attacks. Medications are also often needed in order to treat panic attacks.

Learn more at www.KidsAwarenessSeries.com and follow Kara on Twitter at @KidTherapist

Sue Scheff: Obstacles for parents in teaching boundaries

Kara Tamanini, offers a great new article this week on teaching boundaries. Follow her on Twitter @KidTherapist

Obstacles for parents in teaching boundaries

By Kara Tamanini, Author and Therapist

One of the biggest difficulties for parents in teaching children boundaries is putting up with your child’s whining about the boundaries. The child will push you and push you in order to test the limits in order to get their way! That is their job, of course they want what they want and when they want it. Your job as a parent is to put up with this testing of the limits, the whining, anger, temper tantrums, and pouting until the boundary lines between you as a parent and your child are clear and defined. Teaching a child appropriate boundaries with you as a parent as well as at school and with their friends is a very difficult job, however if you teach these boundaries, your child will be much more successful at relating to others as well as being more successful in all of their relationships in life. The obstacles to developing boundaries in your child are as follows:

1.) When a parent depends on their child to meet their own needs. You want your child to develop their own friendships and relationships . When you as the parent need your child to be close to you and require their constant affection to meet your own needs, this interferes with your child’s ability to establish their own boundaries with you and with others. This causes problems for children later in life because they are too dependent upon you and you have now made your child your “friend” in order to have everything between you flow smoothly in order to not lose their “friendship.” Children are our children and the appropriate boundary is for them to be our kids and not our “friends.” Their friends are at school and not at home.

2.) Another common obstacle to establishing appropriate boundaries with our kids is when we overidentify with our child’s feelings. This usually occurs as a result of a parent’s own unresolved issues from their childhood. We as parents often are unable to delay our child’s gratification as result of trying to avoid having our child experience any pain, guilt, anger, or fear. This is impossible!! We as parents need to empathize with our children when they are scared or feel pain, however we as parents can not avoid having our children feel these feelings. Children need to learn how to experience and handle their emotions.

3.) Children require consequences in order to learn boundaries. A common mistake made by parents is when they believe that their children will not love them if they give them consequences for their behavior. Children need structure and many parents fear that if they confront their child or or disagree with their child that they will lose their relationship with their child. The reality is that when you set clear boundaries for your child, they will feel more secure, not less.

4.) A common obstacle also seen is when parents ignore their children when they are misbehaving and then later start ranting and raving at them. For example, your child is in a store and complains and carries on about having you as the parent buy them something and you ignore their behavior while you are in the store. You are really hoping that they will stop their temper tantrum in the store and they will simply stop. Then, when you get in the car you let them have it! Of course, your child starts crying or is very angry at you and you as the parent feel guilty. This is an obstacle that will clearly not help you establish boundaries with your child. That behavior your child was displaying in the store should have been addressed immediately, even if you had to leave the store. Nobody and I mean nobody gets their way all the time, don’t set your child up for a reality shock later on in their life.

5.) Lastly, and the most popular obstacle to setting clear boundaries for our kids is when we let our children wear us down and we simply give in to whatever they are asking us. We have all done this as parents. They go on and on and on and finally we say, “alright go ahead, just stop your whining.” Kids do not give up easily and they will work you to death until you give in and they get their way, even if you don’t agree as a parent to what you gave in to. Don’t simply say boundaries to your child, you have to enforce the boundaries and this needs to be done consistently.

Children without boundaries are usually children that are out of control and have little to no ability to delay gratification. As a parent, have supportive relationships of your own, this will help you stay focused and allows you to have an outlet. In addition, parents that have their own life are teaching their kids that they are truly not the center of the universe. This teaches children that they must interact and relate to those around them and everyone is important and has their own wants and needs.

Sue Scheff: When Parents Don’t Agree Over Discipline

I always find get short and educational articles on Kids Awareness Series website by Author and Therapist, Kara Tamanini.

By Kara Tamanini

When Parents Don’t Agree Over Discipline

What do you do as a parent when your child is resistant to discipline and your spouse will not stand behind you and enforce the rules. As a therapist, I see this all the time. One parent is the “good guy” and the other one who disciplines and enforces the rules is the “bad guy”. No two parents agree all the time about discipline/boundaries and will parent the same, however some parents just don’t want to discipline at all and want their children to be their “friend”.

Children and parents are NOT friends, your child needs a parent, their friends are at school. This is a serious problem as it puts one parent against the other and of course the child will play one parent against the other in order to get their way. So what can you do if you are the parent that is the “bad guy” and your spouse will not help you with discipline.

First of all, as the “bad guy” you need to address this with your spouse. Most likely you are saying that you already have and it fell on deaf ears and your spouse did nothing about changing their way of disciplining. If your spouse will not change than from now on they need to be held responsible for the consequences of not enforcing discipline in the home.

For example, if your spouse will not make your child clean up their room, then your spouse should have to clean up the child’s room. You are not to go behind your child and go into their room and clean it up. If your child has been told to take out the trash and they have not, even after you told them, then your spouse is to take out the trash.

Most likely, if the resistance of a spouse to change their behavior and discipline strategies is very severe, this is probably a marital issue and not a parenting issue. Marital counseling may be needed in order to address a “marriage issue.” Individuals understand consequences for behavior, whether it is an adult or a child. Make the parent who does not want to discipline or enforce appropriate boundaries reap the consequences for doing nothing.

Follow Kara Tamanini on Twitter at @KidTherapist

Sue Scheff: No Quick Fix for Anxiety Suffers

By Kara Tamanini - Author and Therapist

No Quick Fix for Anxiety Sufferers

This is something we hear as therapists all the time, “can you fix me really quick.” Or, “do you have a magic wand to just fix me.” Whether the sufferer of anxiety is a child, an adolescent, or an adult, there is NO “quick fix” for anxiety. The problem that we as therapists often run into, is that patients want to be “fixed”, however they are not patient in the amount of time it takes to start to improve and the other “biggie” is that patients do very little of the prescribed treatment in order to get better.

For parents that have children that suffer with anxiety, a large part of anxiety is fear based as well as personal concerns that the child has. There is really no one “right treatment” that works for every child and as a parent or caregiver you need to be patient with your child. Most parents if they have a child that suffers with anxiety symptoms are often very fearful themselves as well as reacting to their child’s anxiety with anger, fear, frustration, etc…

The best way to help your child to get through their anxiety for the long-term is to first let them work through some of their anxiety themselves. Do not “fix” everything for them. A child first has to recognize their anxiety and try to problem-solve for themselves. If they are unable to do this, then be patient and help them through their anxiety.

A thoughtful; well thought out approach with the assistance of a therapist is a really good place to start. Help your child work through their fears and anxieties, but do not take over out of your own fear and do things for them. There are a few treatments out there that are a “quick fix” such as an anti-anxiety medication, however medications “mask” the symptoms of anxiety and do help, but they will not “fix” the problem.

Learn more about Kids Awareness Series at http://www.kidsawarenessseries.com/ and Follow Kara Tamanini on Twitter at @KidTherapist